Love is one of the most complex and powerful human emotions. It is celebrated, sought after, and sometimes feared. Yet love is often misunderstood as a mere feeling or an unchanging state of being. Renowned therapist Esther Perel offers a compelling perspective: love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm but rather a verb—an action, a choice, a commitment to engage.
In language, a verb is a word or group of words that indicates something happens or exists. Verbs convey action, movement, and change. Similarly, love as a verb requires ongoing effort, conscious decisions, and active participation. It is not static but evolves and adapts over time.
The Transformative Power of Love as a Verb
Esther Perel’s theory challenges us to shift our perception of love from a static emotion to a dynamic action.
By viewing love as a verb, we acknowledge that love requires continuous cultivation and care. This perspective empowers us to take responsibility for our relationships, fostering deeper connections and lasting bonds.
Love as an Ongoing Process
When we view love as a verb, we recognise it is not a one-time event or a destination but a journey. It involves ongoing growth and development, both individually and as a couple. This understanding encourages us to remain present and engaged in our relationships, continuously learning and adapting to each other’s needs.
The Role of Intentionality in Love
Intentionality is a crucial component of love as a verb. We must be mindful and deliberate, prioritising our partner and relationship. This intentional approach contrasts with the notion of love as a spontaneous and effortless feeling. Instead, it involves setting goals, making plans, and nurturing and strengthening the bond.
Embracing Vulnerability and Communication
Love as an action also demands vulnerability and open communication. We build trust and understanding by actively engaging in honest conversations and expressing our feelings. This openness allows us to navigate challenges and conflicts with empathy and compassion, fostering a resilient and supportive relationship.
Practical Ways to Practice Love as a Verb
Understanding the concept of love as a verb is one thing; putting it into practice is another. Here are some actionable ways to embody this philosophy in everyday life:
1. Express Appreciation Regularly
Gratitude is a powerful way to show love in action. Regularly expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts, qualities, and contributions reinforces positive behaviour and strengthens the emotional connection. Whether through words, gestures, or small acts of kindness, expressing gratitude can have a significant impact.
2. Prioritise Quality Time
In our fast-paced world, letting distractions interfere with our relationships is easy. Prioritising quality time together, free from interruptions, demonstrates commitment and care. Whether it’s a date night, a weekend getaway, or a simple walk in the park, spending meaningful time together fosters intimacy and connection.
3. Engage in Active Listening
Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding to your partner’s words. It requires putting aside distractions and genuinely engaging with what they say. By practising active listening, you show respect and validation, essential components of a healthy relationship.
4. Support Each Other’s Growth
Supporting your partner’s personal and professional growth expresses love as a verb. Encourage their pursuits, celebrate their achievements, and be a source of motivation. This support strengthens the bond and fosters individual fulfilment and happiness.
5. Address Conflict Constructively
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how we handle it can strengthen or weaken the bond. Embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Approach disagreements with empathy, avoid blame, and focus on finding solutions.
6. Maintain Physical Affection
Physical affection is a powerful expression of love in action. It includes everything from holding hands and hugging to more intimate gestures. Regular physical touch communicates warmth, comfort, and security, reinforcing the emotional connection.
Challenges and Rewards of Loving Actively
Embracing love as a verb comes with its own set of challenges. It requires effort, patience, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. However, the rewards are profound. By actively engaging in our relationships, we create a partnership built on trust, respect, and mutual growth. This foundation leads to a more fulfilling and enduring love.
Overcoming Complacency
One of the biggest challenges is overcoming complacency. It is easy to fall into routines and take our partners for granted. By consciously acting on love, we break away from complacency and keep the relationship dynamic and vibrant.
Navigating Change Together
As time passes, individuals and relationships naturally change. Embracing love as a verb means being adaptable and willing to grow together. It involves recognising and respecting each other’s evolving needs and desires, ensuring the relationship remains aligned with both partners’ aspirations.
Building Emotional Resilience
Active love equips us with the tools to build emotional resilience. By practising empathy, communication, and problem-solving, we strengthen our ability to navigate life’s challenges together. This resilience benefits the relationship and enhances individual well-being.
Conclusion
Esther Perel’s theory that love is a verb, not a permanent state of enthusiasm, offers a transformative relationship approach. We shift our focus from passive emotions to active engagement by viewing love as an action. This perspective empowers us to nurture our relationships with intentionality, vulnerability, and commitment.
In embracing love as a verb, we embark on a journey of continuous growth, connection, and fulfilment. We recognise that love is not a destination but an evolving experience that requires our effort and dedication. As we practice love in action, we create lasting bonds that enrich our lives and those of our partners.
Let us take inspiration from Esther Perel’s wisdom and embrace the dynamic nature of love. By doing so, we can cultivate thriving relationships, bringing joy and meaning to our lives.
